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Transcription:Comet's Christmas Miracle
(The scene opens with Santa's custom sleigh and his reindeer flying in the sky.) Comet: How's the view back there, buddy? The light at the end of the tunnel is my ass! (The reindeer behind Comet makes disgusted groans. Cut to Santa hearing a cry for help.) Voice: Help me! Santa: Huh? Put her down, boys. (The sleigh lands and cut to Santa, Comet and his reindeer all gathered at a well and see a little boy is trapped in the well.) Santa: Help is coming, little boy! Are you hurt? Little Boy: I've been down here three days with no food or water! And I pooped in my pants! Santa: Three days?! He could die of thirst before we reach him! Comet: Not on my watch! (Comet starts peeing down the well.) Santa: What are you -- Comet! Stop peeing on that child! Comet: I saw it on Man Vs. Wild. You can drink pee, pee it out and drink it again! Three times if you want! Little Boy: This rain tastes like oats. (Clock transition. Santa gets off his cell phone.) Santa: The fire department's on its way. Comet: There's no time! Santa: Comet, no! (Comet soars in the air and dives into the well.) Santa: Comet?! Comet: Um, okay. I'm stuck like halfway down. Almost there. (Santa face palms himself. Another clock transition. The fire department and the police arrive.) Fireman: We could throw down a rope and a harness down to the kid, except your reindeer's plugging up the hole now. Comet: Just throw down a grenade! Santa: What?! Comet: Throw down one grenade to launch me toward the bottom. Then I'll grab the boy with my teeth. And you can throw down a second grenade to launch me to the surface! Policeman: Your deer don't know shit about grenades, does he? Santa: He spends most of his life on a frozen tundra. Reindeer don't know shit about fuck, quite frankly. Fireman: So, listen, thanks to your deer, we're gonna have to excavate half this field. (The two reindeer look at each other and toss a grenade down the well. The grenade explodes and Santa gains consciousness.) Santa: Oh, my God! (The explosion has blown up the well and everything around it. The two reindeer that threw down the grenade had their heads blown off and their corpses faint.) Santa: Comet?! Little boy?! (Cut to Comet, Santa and the little boy in a cast and bandages in a hospital room.) Little Boy: Thank you, Comet! You saved me! Comet: Aw, ain't know thing. Santa: Well, actually, about 100 volunteers working around the clock with heavy machinery would've suf- Little Boy: I love you, Mr. Comet! Comet: I love you too, Mr. Little Boy! (Comet and the little boy hug.) (Santa leaves and Comet follows with his legs missing and he's floating in midair.) Santa: That still freaks me out. Comet: Yeah. It's 100% badass, alright. (Cut to Comet and Santa outside the hospital and Santa gets on Comet's back.) Santa: Take us back to the North Pole! And-and don't say the line. Comet: Oh, I gotta say the line! Please? Please?! (Santa sighs.) Santa: Fine, fine. Whatever. Comet: Ahem. Legs? Where we're going, we don't need legs! (Comet soars off and towards the camera.) Comet: Yeah! And away we go! (Sketch Ends.) Category:Transcriptions